I need

I need so much
I want so much
but all I can do is wait
and work hard
if only those were things
I knew how to do.

I just need to get this out of my system

COULD YOU BE ANYMORE NEGATIVE?!?!?!

You aren't even 20 yet, don't say that you will spend your whole life alone
or that you could die in 6 months and never have been in love

that is such bull shit

you could die at anytime (I don't want you to but it is possible)

if you set yourself up by saying shit like that it won't happen

IT'S PSYCHOLOGY!!!!!!!

I love you to death but damn it,
you are not a dried up old lady
you are prettier than you think you are

you are just hellbent on being cripplingly shy
and really only you can change that
and if you want to change it you need to make an effort to meet new people
I know I don't do that
but I don't try to.
so focusing on the negative in your life won't fucking help
and it really scares me when you say shit like "I have all these plans and I am going to have to do them all alone."
I say "well no, you have friends. just because there isn't anyone right now doesnt mean there never will be"
you say "No. I know there never will be."

YOU CAN'T CONTROL THAT!
You say that you are optimistic
no
this
I can't think when you talk like that
because you will never be alone.
You have friends and family that love you
you dont have a LOVER
So what.
Sometime you will
and this will seem like a joke.

You are worth far more than you think you are
and just because you aren't in a romantic relationship that doesn't mean you never will be.

So really,
stop dwelling on this one aspect of life
you either need to try harder, or just go with the flow
but please
don't close your heart off to love
because really, that is what you are doing, and the fact that you won't listen to what anyone has to say is not helping.

UGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter where I am
who I am with
what I am doing

I can't get anything done
because I am distracted by my own thoughts
my own feeble pondering's

It is really becoming a problem
but how do I get out of my own head?

Sometimes
I just can not compose my thoughts
and I just bite my lip
until it is rubbed raw
and I wonder if you ever think of me
and I just
bite
bite
BITE
my fucking lip
until it bleeds and I can taste the iron in my mouth

Sometimes
I sit here
and leave the air conditioning on
until I shiver
so that I can curl up in a sweater
and remember what it’s like to feel comfortable

but then
I just bite my fucking lip
and think about what I want to be
but what I really want is
to stop biting my lip.

Sometimes
while I chew on my bottom lip
I think
“a mouth is one hell of a thing to let go to waste…”
but instead of speaking my mind
I sit quietly
and nibble away.

sometimes
bite
sometimes
bite
sometimes
bite

SOMETIMES
BITE

Because sometimes
I wish
I could bite my own fucking head off.
instead of just the lip.

Some days
i just want to rip my hair out
pack up my things
empty my bank accounts
buy a plane ticket to somewhere i have never been
and live
because that sounds exhilarating

and because when i look around this city
i see nothing
but hopeless people
in bad situations

there are so many drunks
drug addicts
homeless

the bus constantly has a smell of urine
booze
bodies

having to avoid sitting in urine soaked seats
sitting and feeling something touch your foot
only to see it is an empty beer can
the liquid seeping into your shoe is the remains

to the point where i am gagging
and i have been a lot of places
but never in a city so dirty
as the one i live in.

i dont understand
why
i am not prejudice towards the homeless
dont take this that way

i just dont see why
in a country that boasts about self worth
we do nothing
to help ourselves.

somedays i want to rip my fucking hair out

this city is so fucking neglected.

I am

Bursting at the seams
with wishing
anticipating
things that will never come
emotions that have no place
wanting things i cant yet reach
dreams for the future
I am
bursting at the seams

Stick my head out the door
feel the rain on my face
let it wash over me
i miss your face
i feel guilty
i want to write that check
i almost want to get a cold
because then i will have an excuse
to avoid people
to feel safe
the rain pours
if it wasnt so dark i would run in it
i can feel the heat subsiding
thank god
drip drop drip
the soft pitter patter will be my lullaby
soothing the troubled mind

So here it is

REASONS I DONT LIKE THAT IDEA

1. Mardi Gras is in February. It is JULY
2. Louisiana has more to offer than a big Mardi Gras celebration that is really just people vomiting. we could make it gator themed. or just the south, so hip hop, giggin, and watermelon
3. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR WHORE TITS! I have seen them one to many times and i do not need a fucking excuse for you to be more of a slut.
4. I am in denial about the move and that the person i love the most isnt going to be around for over a year and that breaks my fucking heart
so no

i dont think so.

Been here since 8am... alone... with church ladies

WHAT THE FUCK
is the point of being awake this early when there are no kids.

I need to make money
so i can move
and be uncomfortable
and see if it helps

I miss your face.
I miss Brum... WTF?!
Never thought Birmingham would strike such emotion!
The Mailbox, The Bullpen
fabulous

The church ladies here are like all other church ladies
i hear them gossiping
then i pass and they switch to me
"thats beth's daughter, she never comes to services anymore"
thats because i dont need to be part of your cult to believe in god.

I watched you

look at me
lean in
then
turn and stick your tongue down her throat
is this a fucking test?
because im going to fail
oh i am done with you.

"if its any consolation he tasted like beer"
thanks
its not.

"well didnt he kiss you good night?!"
no
because apparently thats not what happens anymore

i cant do this
im done

this is me
moving on

and this is me
letting go
because as of now
after i hit that tiny little post button
i wont give a fuck

i wish this town had public transportation
i dont want to be here all day

Fungi you eat

spores
moss
respiration
biology
is the study of life
i am alive
photosynthesis
no thanks
plants
animals
evolution
biology
I will take that A now please
Thanks.

split thumbs.

i split my thumb
it bled
i saw her
she is a tease
its no fucking secret
and i thought all was lost
but then
you reached out
into a crowd of people
who were pushing
shoving
pulsing
and pulled me into you
just when i think all is lost
and i am crushed in the crowd
you pull me back
and i love you
the way we fix your car window with a trash bag and purple duct tape
it was 3 am
the way you stared at me
pulled me close
i split my thumb on his tooth
a stranger patted my head
he pulled me close
looked in my eyes
then there was you

reaching
groping
shoving
just to get to me
i dont understand it.
ive been lost in worse.

the way you click your jaw in the night
almost like the ticking of the clock
and yet.

i dont give any kind of a fuck. at all.
because i love you
fuck the world

Its so hard to reach
to grasp
to claw
because you let me down
hot rage courses through my veins
the home i thought tangible
is now drifting
dear god this cant be foreshadowing
now if you would
pull that knife out of my back
its starting to hurt.

hey there

Took this on accident
thought it was pretty good...
i dont even look like myself.
I am just so fucking exasperated.
I am tired of the people around me forgetting me
my parents
my friends
just forgetting i exist
or not following through with anything
today has been like every other day
but with the shining beam of not being homeless next year
i am so happy we have a place to live
i just wish that i knew what made me so fucking forgettable
because i really dont think i am

I need to be alone
i need my own space
i should have listened
and then maybe i would be happier
but
maybe i should have not done anything
or just done what was expected
then i wouldnt be failing
fuck
this
bull
shit.

i cant wait until i have a job
and money
and we can go to ireland

i cant wait
until someone loves me
and i love them back
without hesitation.

Shit fucking hurts.
There is something in my eye.
Staring at the screen has helped.
however my eye is watering and i cant wear my glasses...
Sometimes i hate everything...
sometimes i waste too much time
sometimes i wish things were different.

I guess this is my face. I go to University of New Mexico.
I must admit that i am not too fond of it.
My name is Jessie.
I don't know how i feel about this whole blog thing...
I guess i will share my thoughts....